you traded sex for a burrito?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
