The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
