I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
