Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
