Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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