chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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