I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
