This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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