never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
