Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
