o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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