In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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