it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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