I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
