I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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