false alarm. still invincible.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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