dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
