if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm passing your future prison.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
