Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
