My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
