I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The best revenge is premature balding
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
