I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize