Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
