This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
