you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
