help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
