If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
