apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
