remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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