Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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