Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
