dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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