I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
