laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
