Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
