if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
