I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
