You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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