What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
