the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
birth control should be required to get into college
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
