I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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