I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
