Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
