Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
