You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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