I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
