Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
50% drunk capacity currently
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize