I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize