Porn is love you can see.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
