she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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