My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
3pm strippers are depressing
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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