highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
