I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
