I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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