So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
