Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
