I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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