he thought i was a dude.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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