Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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