It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
