I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You work out of a Hotel?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
